DECISIONS DECISIONS! DECIDE ALREADY!

Decisions. What are they? How do they affect us?

I attended a marketing meeting when my husband, our partners, and I started our company years ago. The marketer restored more business power to us than we’d realized available simply by defining the word decide.

Let’s break it down.decisions-signage

DECISIONS DEFINITION

According to online Dictionary.com, the origins of decide show a typical blend from varied parts of old Europe. Figure around 1350-1400. When you decide anything, you literally “cut off” or “kill” all other options. How empowering! How simplifying, too! http://www.dictionary.com/browse/decide?s=t

de-“off” (see de-) + caedere “to cut” (see -cide) word-forming element meaning “killer,” from French -cide, from Latin -cida “cutter, killer, slayer.”

Mild fascination with the “kill” part of the definition had recently been rekindled, since I face a decision about which fictional characters are killed in the romantic suspense trilogy I’m writing. In fact, the marketer had then stated, once I decide on something, I’ve essentially “cut off” all other options, killed them, gone, vanished! That’s both intimidating and inspiring simultaneously.

W H O A !!!

Take a moment to consider that fact, and how crazy impactful this is! It suddenly makes wavering look wimpy. It forced me to consider choices I’d claimed to make. Had I, in reality, cut off, even completely dismissed, all other options and made a singular decision? Or had I vacillated about a character’s departure from my series or some commitment, much like Brett Favre’s retirement decisions from football? We usually aren’t aware of how our indecisiveness affects those around us.

G.A.S.P. books

 EXAMPLES

For example, in my first novel, G.A.S.P., what appeared to be a small decision by the two main characters, Julie and Dane, changed, even threatened, lives in an unpredicted ripple effect. How different might the story have been with different choices?

Sometimes decisions can be easy (to eat worms vs. spaghetti); others, miserably challenging or even made in haste (i.e. stay in a relationship or leave it; diets and food choices; exercise or couch potato; iPhone or Samsung — okay maybe this one isn’t difficult right now — but you get what I mean).

decisions-quote

As American voters, we’re now faced with voting on community propositions, local and state oppositions, not to mention one of the wackiest and most contentious Presidential elections in our country’s history. I’m not getting political on you, just observant. As I poll friends and strangers alike in my daily local and national travels, a curious consensus has thus far been struck: we’re concerned no matter how we vote.

There are always those on the other side of the fence; they’ve made decisions. American theologian and Hollis Professor of Divinity at Harvard University, Harvey Cox, clarified: “Not to decide is to decide.” In The Alchemist, author Paolo Coelho described when someone makes a decision, unexpected adventures may happen. http://standardwisdom.com/guydownthestreet/2010/12/alchemist-selected-quotes/

IN CONCLUSION

Do your best to assess facts and meaningful ramifications, and then make as logical a decision as possible… even through a process of elimination.  But DECIDE!

To understand its power, reestablishes your own significance — remarkable, right?

P.S. Go ahead! Get it over with! Make a decision and vote!

LIFE’S TRANSTIONS: GOTTA COMMUNICATE!

Let’s cover husband/wife life transitions, since I’ve been on a roll about relationships lately. Hold on! Before you get your panties in a wad, allow me full disclosure: I communicate only what I know. I’m neither discriminating nor judging, and I guarantee transitions don’t either.

Every human being experiences change, such as birth, death, hiring, firing, marriage, and divorce to name a few. Such events are life altering. That’s a given, though we’re typically clueless while in the midst of them.

The transitions to which I’m referring, however, occur with and without warnings. Their impacts almost always catch us off guard, leaving us feeling as if we’ve been locked in a dark closet. Why? We’ve forgotten to communicate. Communication is the key.

EXAMPLES

A. When we had our kids, my husband and I knew they’d grow up, move out, and be off of the “family payroll.” (I don’t know too many adults who have children genuinely hoping they “never leave home.”) Know what’s caught us unprepared for their departures? Ourselves.

B. My husband and I started a business with two other couples as partners years ago. We all worked. As years passed, of the six of us, just two still work together. (Now for the tricky part) I’m not one of those two, our kids are growing and going, and I started my own business. (OK, here’s the other shoe drop) Neither my husband nor I expected me to be so unavailable while … working at home! Know what’s caught us unprepared? Ourselves.

TRANSITION BASIC: COMMUNICATE

Success magazine publisher/editor Darren Hardy once shared, “Don’t wish it were easier; wish you were better.” http://addicted2success.com/quotes/40-of-darren-hardys-most-popular-success-quotes/  Our lack of communication and connection locks us into a dark place. (Kind of basic, I know!)

When “roles” are defined as relationships start, an adjustment period exists. Two lives and households combining, etc. are causes for confusion as well as joy. We already know this. That’s why we talk about it (after lots of sex, likely).

What happens when “we” becomes “three” or more? Kids bring MORE adjustments, requirements, and transitions to their adults. There’s usually less talk and more bustling activity (usually less sex, too).

How about after kids are raised and gone? There’s “us” time now, right? If you’re still talking and have anything in common (let alone having any sex), maybe; otherwise, you’re unexpectedly thrown back to (almost) the beginning of your relationship, learning to talk with each other all over again, i.e. back to a basic.

Now, let’s get back to the core of this issue (it’s not about sex for this blog; that’ll be in a different one).

door-key

“DOOR” KEY

Instead of fumbling around in the dark, embrace various types and degrees of communication (yes, sex included). The key is to:

a. grasp expectations versus needs;
b. understand cycles of change and the opportunities they present;
c. accept change as inevitable and not necessarily bad.

(Good news: if done successfully, this can lead to more sex! Hey! Counts as communication AND connection, remember?)

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION ALERT

In G.A.S.P., the first book of my fictional trilogy, the story revolves around two ordinary people searching for more in life. When they get entangled in an international gold smuggling operation, it’s clear they’re not alone in life’s changes.

To sum it up: the key to unlock that dark closet of transition surprise is simply “real” conversations. Ask to understand, accept to cope, and evolve to ease life’s many transitions.

Exercise + Life = Sexy (& Valued)

Q: How do you make time for regular exercise? Spill any physical fitness, wellness, and health secrets!

A: You want the truth, or can I lie, so this is a better read?

I laugh. This is how conversations almost always start when struck up with fellow parents, whether they’re into fitness consistently or not. Notice the word consistently. This is a keyword!

FREQUENCY

If you’re able to do something every day, that’s optimal. Do you need to? Depends on who you are, and why you do it. For many folks, 4 times a week is sufficient. For me, that’s not nearly enough. Here’s why (and I own this!): I’m not the best me without it; I’m a grump (dreadfully unattractive, shall we say).

Now, to be really down-and-dirty honest? Let me define what “doing something every day” means for me: getting out of bed to move my body FOR me. Period. Wait, what? That’s it? Yep. That’s it. The range of activities is HUGE! Check these out

– 60-minute Orange Theory Fitness class
– 20-minute elliptical + stretch quickie
– 30-minute walk with both medium-size dogs
– 45-minute hike with my husband
– 20-minute run with one pooch (the other one isn’t programmed for distance)
– sex with your spouse (however long)
– 90-minute yoga class

The list goes on and on, right?exercise sign

Full disclosure: I’ve needed regular exercise since I was little.  I danced classical ballet through half of high school and got into tennis and downhill skiing.  Also, I messed around with racquetball, flag football, and running in college. Since having my three children, running, weight training and yoga keep me sane. I’ve even completed two marathons (completed … not won or placed)!

I don’t share this to make you feel lazy. I share this to be thought provoking. I’m hardly perfect (terribly human actually). I’ve dealt with injuries that have slowed me waaay down and made me flat out cranky.

LESSONS

Wanna know what I figured out along the way? I needed:

– the stress relief.
– a physical outlet as a mental break.
– fitness to be a part of my regular daily routine.
– the reminder that I’m still a live and valuable person worth investing in.

Most of all, in order to bring my “A” game to each day for work, career, and family, I needed to do something regularly for me and about me. Negating yourself “for the sake of” ANY thing (marriage, family, career, challenges, vacations, whatever) means you don’t value yourself. When YOU don’t value you, how on earth do you expect anyone else to? You won’t feel good either. If you don’t feel good, how are you going to look good? (Not feeling good is not sexy.)

CONCLUSION

Here’s my FINAL ANSWER on REGULAR FITNESS: Take care of yourself. VALUE yourself. We’re each worth investing our time, money and energy in daily in some way. To be MY best TO me and FOR me (and for ALL those around me), no matter how busy I get, my daily exercise in some form, is vitally important. Trust me! We’re all worth it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/2016-fitness-trends-hiit_us_56f04617e4b084c672210ff4

Street sign graphic from amazon.com

 

Business/Career Lessons From Passionate Parent

Once upon a time, in a time not long ago, we all knew these lessons. What I’m about to share isn’t novel. So why write about it again? Because it bears repeating, that’s why!

There’s not a professional on the planet, human nor beast, which will disagree with me that these three lessons have been invaluable in their lives. And while there are so many from which to choose, currently, my biggest (and top) three have to be about:

  1. Respect
  2. Patience
  3. Relationships

Been here? Done this? Well, here’s my 2¢. To earn or get respect, ya gotta give it. Kind of simple really. It’s the ol’ “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” rule. Respect:

  • Builds trust
  • Builds communication
  • Builds relationship

Whether building a business (I’m a 4th generation entrepreneur married to a 3rd gen), raising children (we have three ages 24,19,16), or growing your marriage/partnership (we’re married 29 years), showing another respect is vital. This is NOT hard to do! This isn’t about grandiose gestures (though those can be fun, too. Ask anyone married over 20 years). This IS, however, about consistent, deliberate, and diligent efforts (see The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy). Like anything worthwhile in life, respect can be challenging to sustain and requires discipline … but it’s not hard.   

Couple respect with Patience which:

  • Builds trust
  • Builds communication
  • Builds relationship

Nope. Not a misprint. Consistent, deliberate and diligent effort here. You were once new at something, too. If you were considered annoying for not knowing your job immediately (ridiculed even), then you know the value of this trait. How’d it feel when you were shown an even-temper to complete a work task? How have your children responded to a firm but steady tone as you capitalize on a teachable moment? Haven’t you even pushed yourself harder after treating yourself with calmness instead of rage?

Toss in the final ingredient of Relationships to:

  • Builds trust
  • Builds communication
  • Builds relationship

Hmmm. Think I’m onto something! We’re ALL connected to everything/body on this planet; whether you believe that or not, to some degree, we are. Consider this tiny example: a baby with a blanket. Perhaps that object keeps that baby warm in the cool hospital or offers comfort when parents are arguing. The baby is in relationship with that blanket. Now apply this simplistic example to every encounter in your life.

Basically, whether in business, marriage or parenthood, always reach for respect and patience through consistent, deliberate and diligent efforts, and you’ll find your life just as invaluable as the lessons brought to it.

That’s my final answer, and I’m sticking to it!

The Backstory: G.A.S.P. The Author’s Side

G.A.S.P. !! Did you ever get up in the middle of the night because of:

• a bad dream
• a strange visual
• or your spouse wanting something? (wink)

Well, that’s what happened to me with G.A.S.P. ’s main story line, only the story kept nudging and pushing me like a pesky kid needing attention all night AND all day. So, I kept writing scenes and ideas down, because I felt compelled to remember them … haunted by them really … and hadn’t a clue yet as to why!

Meanwhile, you’ve heard the saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come,” right (or some similar version)? ( http://fakebuddhaquotes.com/when-the-student-is-ready-the-teacher-will-appear/ ) At the same time the nightmares, dreams, and daydreaming were taking up my mental bandwidth, I was grappling with my life’s purpose P.C. (Post-Children). Raising children and starting a business with my husband has been extremely time-consuming, so it’s no surprise that it took me years to figure out my life’s next chapters. (Thank the Universe for my coaches and friends!) With my background in journalism, it was time to embrace my writing and to include people in it, thus empowering them with words through stories. When I finally woke up, this story started to make sense and wouldn’t leave me alone! In fact, the entire trilogy is about transitions, control and love. But what inspired me specifically about this trilogy?

Real life! Writers tend to write:

• what interests them
• what they know
• or about events and/or experiences that have touched them.

All events, plots, and twists, in this trilogy are fictional; so are all the characters, who are compilations of any two to five people I actually know! The very realistic dialogue came from conversations I’ve been privy to, overheard, had, or imagined that these characters would have had. G.A.S.P. ’s characters allowed me to share their self-talk (or internal thinking), so readers witness and are drawn into their personal conflicts as they questioned themselves and their life choices.

We all do this daily, but we rarely speak openly of our own needs and internal storms, which usually erupt when forced through trauma … often when it’s too late. Can you relate to this? “Who can’t?” You ask yourself. I know for many years I struggled with how to be there for my family as mom/wife, yet simultaneously needed as new business owner/partner/operator. Still, I was a human being (not a human doing) first. Tricky on many levels.

With all of that being said, we, humans, must learn to own our choices. I finally did when I embraced writing things other than business letters and high school sports’ updates. I hope you enjoy the evolution of this fascinating journey of writing with me.

 

jill maxwell